Discussion Group Harmony

Contents:

1. Introduction

2. Group Dynamics

3. The Individual's issues and motivations.

4. Application to informal discussion groups

5. Problem solving specifics

Belonging to a group offers many advantages to the spiritual aspirant such as emotional support, assistance in maintaining a particular practice (such as meditation) and help in understanding a particular teaching.  However, groups also have their pitfalls and it's important to be aware of these snares typical to all groups if one is to maintain both the group's purpose and group harmony.  

In this essay, I will be primarily discussing aspects of informal spiritual and discussion groups.

A group is any assemblage of  people who "come together" for a purpose.  So, right off the bat, we can see that a group has at least two properties: purpose and cohesion.   

Purpose

A group's purpose can be almost anything that people can do together, and fall generally into three categories (and combinations thereof):  The True, The Good, The Beautiful, or put another way: Truth, Action (and things governing action such as morals, elements of practice, procedures, etc..) , and Love.  Some examples of groups with these purposes:

Truth

Love & Beauty

Action / Practice / Morals

Although the above chart shows single purpose groups in the three categories, all healthy groups will contain elements of all three of these.  Take for example a large institutional group such as a religion.  Most religions teach spiritual truth, morals, the love of God, and brotherhood.  

The reason a healthy group will contain elements of all three is that this triune division (truth/love/action) is reflective of the reality of the human condition.  Any group that ignores one or more categories will in effect, be denying that triune reality within the group and within each person.  In spite of this denial, these realities will continue to operate beneath the level of conscious awareness, and thus have a greater potential for pathology and for causing disruption within the group.

Cohesion

Cohesion is basically a measure of how tightly the group sticks together and of the strength of the collective group identity.  A group can cohere around any number of group elements.  For example, members can feel a strong identification with the group's purpose or beliefs; they can feel a strong affinity towards a charismatic group leader; or they can have a strong attachment to a particular thing that the group does (practice).   

Cohesion is also a measure of how strongly the group is able to defend itself against threats from inside or outside the group.  For example, a highly cohesive group will be less tolerant of someone who tries to introduce new ideas or change the purpose of the group if these could threaten cohesiveness.  The individuals begin to think alike in ways that tend to preserve the group identity.  In pathological form, this is sometimes called "group think" (The act or practice of reasoning or decision-making by a group, especially when characterized by uncritical acceptance or conformity to prevailing points of view.)

Generally a group's cohesion stands in contrast to the group's ability to expand and attract new members.  For example, if the group's purpose is narrow then it's ability to attract new members will be limited (high cohesion / low expansiveness).  On the other hand, if a group tries to become all things to all people in order to attract more members, the group may expand rapidly, but it will be in danger of losing its focus and thus either its cohesiveness will go down or its purpose will change in order to maintain cohesiveness.  

For example, back in the 1970's when the service academies began admitting women there was concern that this would hurt morale and esprit de corps.  In an attempt to maintain this cohesiveness, the purposes and policies of the academies were altered to be more gender neutral in their approach to creating military officers.

Here are some examples of groups, showing their purpose and cohesiveness:

Group Dynamics

While the purpose of the group revolves around something to be done or discussed, the group itself is a dynamic, living organism composed of individuals who relate to each other according to certain processes.   So, in addition to knowing what a group is for (its purpose), and knowing how well it sticks together to do it (cohesion), we also need to know the stages and processes which govern how the group functions.

Stages of Group Development

Noted researcher B.W. Tuckman developed a model for group development with four stages:

1. Forming
   In the Forming stage, new members of the group look for acceptance from the group and need to know that the group is safe.  They gather information to see "who's who" with the group hierarchy.
   

2. Storming
   In the Storming stage there is competition and conflict as group members jostle for position in the group hierarchy and challenge the group's rules and have disagreements as they learn to work together.
   "In order to progress to the next stage, group members must move from a "testing and proving" mentality to a problem-solving mentality. The most important trait in helping groups to move on to the next stage seems to be the ability to listen."
   

3. Norming:
   In the Norming stage, there is cohesion as members acknowledge each other's contributions and there is communication and trust.  Members begin to experience a sense of group belonging.
   " [In the norming stage] they share feelings and ideas, solicit and give feedback to one another, and explore actions related to the task. Creativity is high."
   

4. Performing
   "The Performing stage is not reached by all groups. If group members are able to evolve to stage four, their capacity, range, and depth of personal relations expand to true interdependence.  Their roles and authorities dynamically adjust to the changing needs of the group and individuals. Individual members have become self-assuring, and the need for group approval is past. Members are both highly task oriented and highly people oriented. There is unity: group identity is complete, group morale is high, and group loyalty is intense."

The Individual's Issues and Motivations.

We've examined the different general types of purpose that a group can have, but what about the individual's purpose for coming to the group?  In informal discussion type groups, the members come for their own reasons, and these reasons may or may not coincide with the group's stated purpose.  Conflict within the group often arises from the differing motivations & purposes of the group members and of the group itself, and it is therefore important to be aware of one's own motivations.  Self awareness is the key, and therefore it is important that group members be engaged in some type of practice (either within or outside of the group) which promotes self awareness.

In other words, what of my own "stuff" am I bringing to the group?  Am I willing to be responsible for my own stuff?

Here is a short list of possible motivations.  It can be used as a type of self check to help us to recognize what might be driving us at any given moment.  Motivations under group one are the most disruptive to group harmony, while motivations under groups two and three are the most beneficial.

Group 1 (Attachment)

1. To obtain security, love, freedom (derived from a painful sense of lack).
2. To get more "Stuff" to fill this craving.
3. To feel good.
4. To make others feel good as a means of seeking their approval.
5. To manipulate others.
6. To get knowledge for oneself alone. (to "Get" for ones self)  
7. To stay in control.
8. To be acknowledged, (as valuable, clever, or good, or important, wise, etc...)
9. To profess one's status or level of attainment, to be validated by one's peers.
10. To be Right (and seen as such by our peers).
11. To Win the debate.
12. To just make it go away.
13. To Escape from an unpleasant situation.
14. To be told what to do, how to think, etc..  
15. To vent or release whatever has built up inside of us (pain, anger, venom, etc..)
16. To Avoid Responsibility. (a.k.a. being in "Denial")
17. To make a particular result manifest, because we Want that result! (Attachment to Results).
18. To Fix the problem (or person).
19. To make another person "behave", or treat us in a certain way.
20. To Destroy Error wherever we see it.
21. To Fight the Devil, to Slay the Dragon, to Defeat the Adversary.
22. To Impose Order in accordance with our beliefs, or the beliefs of our Tribe/Culture/Religion.
23. To Defend one's own position, belief, truth, values.
24. To Defend the Tribe, Culture, Herd, Hive, or Social Order which we are invested in.
25. My will be done!

Group 2 (Detachment)

1. To share enjoyable conversation.
2. Acceptance of "what is" and of each other.
3. To share in a mutually enjoyable activity.
4. To listen openly and dispassionately.
5. To express Tolerance for All.
6. To exchange ideas and discuss logically.
7. To see the (logical/scientific/physical/psychological/meta-physical) mechanism behind phenomena.
8. To enjoy beauty, laughter, aesthetic pleasure, physical pleasure, psychological pleasure without attachment to such.
9. Just Relax and Chill

Group 3 (Engagement with Detachment)

1. To seek knowledge for the sake of sharing. (to "Get" in order that we may "Give" more)
2. To Listen Mindfully in order to Understand (Love) the other. Work to understand their point of view (POV).
3. To See the beautiful "Face of the Beloved" behind All Masks of "Appearances", and experience the joy, and playful laughter that results. (a.k.a. true discernment)
4. To observe one’s own thoughts, feelings, ideas, beliefs, & emotions without judgment.
5. To shift one’s identification (reverse one’s POV) from the personality to the SELF (die daily to the small self).
6. To Surrender to the process of "Becoming", wherever it may lead.
7. To Surrender to THAT, which is at the core of our being. (Source/ Higher Self / God / Christ / Love, whatever IT is).
8. To consciously Contact and Unite with one's innermost Source/SELF, whatever IT is.
9. To Become (Security, Freedom, Love, etc..) in accordance with the Source's Desire.
10. To Become an unrestricted Expression of this One Source (One Will).
11. To help others contact this Source and thus become more them SELF, whatever that may be.
12. Thy Will be done.

Application to informal spiritual discussion groups

The typical purpose of a spiritual discussion group is to have a dialogue whose goal is both the understanding of Truth and the promotion of Brotherhood (Universal Love).  The challenge with these groups is in balancing both of these, especially since individual group members may have their own issues and motivations.  With this in mind, here are some guidelines to consider:

1. The group needs to be clear  in its purpose and honor triune human nature.
   
   Group members need to honor the goals of understanding, love and providing a field of action where the quest for knowledge and love can be expressed.  In a discussion type of group, this field is, in fact, the actual process of interacting within the group.  Therefore, one can't just talk about truth and love, group members need to put these principles into action in the way they discuss these topics.  For example, if a group member is expressing pain do we just tell them about love, or do we show them love?
   

   Clarity of Purpose
   Nothing is more destructive to group harmony than stating one intention, but acting from another.  Members of the group need to be clear on what the group is and what it is not.  Group purpose can be arrived at by consensus, but if that purpose is not clear or is constantly changing, then the group will be constantly thrown into the "forming" and "storming" stages of group development.
   

   The Need for Balance
   For example, if the group is out of balance towards "the pursuit of truth", the group can become either conflict driven as different "points of view" clash with each other, or it can become a dictatorship where one person's point of view or dogmatic belief system becomes the absolute law.  So you have either constant conflict or a dictatorship.  On the other hand, if over biased towards love, the group can become a new agey feel-good group where critical thinking is discouraged and instead everyone just affirms all kinds of nonsense just to make sure that everyone feels loved.

   In order to maintain balance, one first has to be aware of any imbalances and be prepared to act from the alternate polarity to restore it.  It is unlikely that someone operating from Group 1 motivations will be in a state of awareness to notice this imbalance.  

   For example, if someone is hell-bent on having their point of view acknowledged and no one is willing to acknowledge it, then the group could get caught up in the struggle, unless someone (from a group 2 or group 3 level motivation) recognizes the unloving tone pervading the group (and/or that persons' need for love and understanding) and acknowledges that person's feelings and point of view.
   
   One way to seek balance is to make it a part of the group's awareness and intent.  Adopt the following (or something similar) as the group mantra which emphasizes both truth and brotherhood & cooperation:  
   
   "How can we together achieve more clarity on the subject?"

   Awareness of the process
   Everyone in the group needs to be aware of the purpose of the group and of its rules, The intent is to create a safe environment which honors Truth, Love, group harmony and the needs of the individual.  
   
   

2. Communication Skills
   
   Knowing how to listen and affirm.  Facility in the techniques of active listening can go a long way towards promoting the goals of honoring both truth and love.
   
   Summary of the Active listening technique:

   1. Attending, acknowledging 
   Providing verbal or non- verbal awareness of the other, ie, eye contact

   2. Restating, paraphrasing 
   Responding to person's basic verbal message

   3. Reflecting 
   Reflecting feelings, experiences, or content that has been heard or perceived through cues

   4. Interpreting 
   Offering a tentative interpretation about the other's feelings, desires, or meanings

   5. Summarizing, synthesizing 
   Bringing together in some way feelings and experiences; providing a focus

   6. Probing 
   Questioning in a supportive way that requests more information or that attempts to clear up confusions

   7. Giving feedback 
   Sharing perceptions of the other's ideas or feelings; disclosing relevant personal information

   8. Supporting 
   Showing warmth and caring in one's own individual way

   9. Checking perceptions 
   Finding out if interpretations and perceptions are valid and accurate

   10. Being quiet 
   Giving the other time to think as well as to talk
   

    

3. Considerations for Group Dynamics
   Since most discussion groups are open groups, there will always be people leaving and entering the group, and these people will be at various stages of group development.  Therefore new members of the group may be in the "forming" stage, while others may be in the "storming" or "norming" stage.  Therefore it is helpful to know that if someone in the group is sitting quiet or challenging some of the group's premises, that this may be perfectly normal for where they are in their assimilation into the group.
   
   

4. Promoting Self Awareness.
   One of the biggest obstacles to a spiritual study group achieving its intent is the state and level of awareness of the individual group members.  For example, if a group member in the "storming" stage comes to the group unaware of their own raging group 1 motivations, there will be the potential for disruption and conflict.
   
   If the group itself does not incorporate a practice to encourage a higher state of awareness, then it should at least remind the members of the importance of having some sort of spiritual practice outside of the group.
   
   Within a group setting, one thing that can enhance awareness is to conduct some type of entrance ritual which will help the members put themselves in the right frame of mind.
   

5. Issues of Group Membership.
   Ultimately, however, the group's progress and success will be determined by the motivations, intents and level of awareness of its members.  Therefore, consideration needs to be given to the group's "rules of admittance."  
   
   For example, if a group does not have a method of assimilating new members (increasing their awareness both of the group's purpose and of them selves as well) and if it allows anyone (of any level of awareness) to attend, then this will limit how far the group can go, since any individual of a lower level of self awareness, will be disruptive to the group as they enter the "storming" stage of group assimilation.  
   
   What sometimes happens to discussion groups in this situation, is that the original group purpose is subverted and instead the group just acts as a sounding board for various points of view.  Sometimes these points of view get challenged, but this becomes pointless, since individuals are no longer willing to acknowledge either higher standard or a higher purpose for the group.  
   
   In this instance, the group becomes a sounding board where the spewings of the "personality" go unchallenged - and no one is awakened. 
   

6. Trust.
   For a group to function well, there must be a level of trust amongst the members.  Group members need to feel a degree of safety before they will even consider adopting the group's purpose or of being honest and open with other group members about their own motivations and intents.  One of the group goals or purposes should be to protect this trust.
   

Problem Solving

From kfa.org

During his many talks and dialogues, Krishnamurti described in different ways what he meant by the word dialogue. He talked of awareness; the art of listening, seeing, learning; he investigated the question of the division between the observer and the observed; and of the necessity of being free from attachment for inquiry to take place. Krishnamurti also frequently expressed the need to be “hungry”–to be passionately interested in understanding the nature of thinking–otherwise only words would be exchanged in talking together with others.

Dialogue cannot be forced to move away from opinions and ideas to a deeper consideration of life’s problems. The desire to move to a deeper level may be an impediment to reaching a deeper level. We are often unable to remain still and observe the fact of what is taking place inside the skin - our reactions of fear, frustration, boredom, daydreaming, the desire to get somewhere, occasionally even anger - instead we often try to move the dialogue into a domain that is meaningful to us.

However, if participants pay attention to the movement of the thinking process, both within themselves and in others, then the dialogue may move to greater depths on its own, through the act of observing what is taking place, without attempting to move anywhere else. Then any subject under consideration can be useful in exploring the nature of human beings.

Additional problems that can come up in a discussion group which interfere with having a dialogue.

Problems:

1. Monopolizing the time
   Someone feels the need to go on and on, while others in the group perceive this as disruptive to the group's purpose.
   
   

2. Judgment 
   A type of labeling or pigeon holing of something as "good" or "bad."   Once something is labeled such, there is usually no longer any need to observe it, since you now think you "know" what it is from a desirability sense.  Therefore, this is an impediment to awareness, since it impedes observation of what is.
   
   

3. Speculation (A type of interruption)
   Often a series of "what-if" hypothetical questions, which have the effect of taking one off course from the most profitable path of exploring a subject.  It's a way of throwing a monkey wrench into the machinery to stop a line of reasoning or exposition of some topic, since the series of what-ifs are infinitely recursive and can never really be fully answered.  Ex: "What if none of us really exist and we're just figments of each other's imaginations?"
   
   Speculation is also a sneaky way of making an assertion without it coming back at you.  For example, if you think someone is deluded in their statements, instead of telling them that you think they're deluded you might ask:  "Yes, but what if you're deluded?"
   
   

4. Abstraction ( a way of moving the subject to safer ground)
   A form of escape from the particular to the generic which is less threatening.  A way of not facing (observing) what needs to be faced (observed) and is therefore an impediment to awareness.
   
   Abstraction in truth: escape to the vague conceptual level and discussing the topic there. Intellectualizing.
   
   Abstraction in feeling: escape to a rationalization of why one is justified in feeling a certain way, instead of just expressing what it is that they're feeling.
   
   Telling instead of showing:  instead of offering specifics to someone, you tell them what the rule is, or what they should do "generally".  Example:  Instead of showing someone compassion and acceptance when they are hurting, you just tell them that they need to forgive or that they need to get help.
   
   

5. Old Baggage:  
   Judgments and beliefs we have about each other which impede our ability to truly observe and listen to them.
   
   

6. Not Listening to each other.
   Usually a result of judgment, old baggage, and/or a lack of self awareness (inattention).
   
   

7. Not being Present (not listening)
   Individual is mentally & emotionally remote, or wants to be.
   
   

8. Pride
   Attachment to an image that one has of one's self impedes their ability to listen when this self image gets challenged.
   
   

9. Playing a Trump card ( a type of interruption)
   Making a statement, which because of its emotional, moral or profound impact, is virtually guaranteed to derail any thread of discussion.
   Examples:
   All is Love
   All is One
   Telling a "personal" story of tragic or high emotional impact.
   Appeals to an authority that everyone respects, such as Jesus, etc...
   
   

10. Denial.
    Not acknowledging what is seen as true by others.  Usually caused by either a lack of trust amongst group members where it is not safe to admit to things, or by a lack of self-awareness in the individual since they are simply denying what they cannot see.
    
    

11. Level of Knowledge Vs. Level of Self Awareness
    If an individual's level of knowledge exceeds their level of self awareness, then it can be almost impossible for them to release their attachment to this knowledge (i.e. their pet idea, concept, theory, explanation, etc..).  In a group setting, this can manifest as defensiveness.

Possible causes:

1. Group purpose or rules are not known.
   Remind the group of the rules.

2. Individual is lacking in self awareness or coming from group 1 motivations (attachment).  Also not being in the present moment.

3. Individual perceives the need to challenge the group rules or norm in order to make a point or statement to the group.
   

Some approaches to these problems

1. Ask the individual what their purpose or intent is in saying [whatever], as regards the group.  If from group 1, remind them of the group's purpose and intent, question the compatibility of both, and ask them to explain how it is relevant to the group purpose.  Group facilitator may need to act as enforcer of group intent if necessary.

2. If you recognize the rhetorical pattern that they're using (such as using abstraction), ask them what their intent is in using this device.  Gently getting at the root motivation or intent is the goal.

3. Expand your own point of view to see what is truth in the other's point of view, or raise your perspective to one that can encompass both points of view.

A technique to expand one's point to view:

"Transmutation, not presumptuous denial, is the weapon of the Master" - The Kybalion

Not to deny the Absolute
Not to deny the Relative

Not to deny the Self
Not to deny the personality

Not to deny our unity with each other.
Not to deny our differences of experience, opinion, personality, maturity, etc..

Not to deny our brotherhood.
Not to deny our irritations with each other.

Not to deny our own highest truths and ideals as we currently understand them.
Not to deny our own ignorance and foolishness.