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Anger and Revenge
Oh boy. I know this subject has come up and been commented upon, but I'm in the thick of it and smarting like hell. I am living w/ someone who, literally, hates me. She's my roomates' mother & in-law, respectively. I have brought up the possibility of moving out temporarily, but that is likely to cause more trouble than it saves. I have gone through the whole "mirror" thing with her, (by which I mean recognizing that a lot of the things that piss me off in her are also in me.) and to a degree I still am. This will sound harsh, but she's a little crazy, honestly, and she has decided I'm the reason everything is wrong with her life. She has major issues, she suffered horribly at her mother's hands as a child and she now seems hell bent that we all (myself, her daughter and her son-in-law) get to experience the same things she did. The more I try to get past my own buttons and develop real compassion, the more she tries to push them. She has literally driven me to my knees in desperation and prayer more than once. I know I'm being tested, I feel the ache of it in every bone in my body, but I'm at my limit. I've even considered using magick to get her out of here, it's certainly my strongest Want at this point, but I am just not comfortable with that, too many really bad ways that could manifest. What makes it so hard is that I honestly know where she is coming from. I understand her, I've been there. She has a lot of justified anger and grief. She's been abused, she lost a lot of people on 9-11, her sister's dying, her husband's dying, (w/ is why she's here, so we can help w/ him) her life is pretty dark right now. I'm reaching the point where that is not enough anymore. Her attacks are so personal, and so vicious, that I am about to fail my "test" and give her my own version of Hell, composing this message is all that is keeping me from laying into her right now. How far is too far? At what point do you stop bending? Is the lesson ever that sometimes striking back is the right thing to do? I don't think I can turn the other cheek again, I'm laid open to the bone as it is! I'm not sure what I'm really asking about. I suppose the limits of tolerance, at what point does one begin to defend one's self? At what point does one take the offensive? I'm beginning to wonder if this is what I'm supposed to do? It doesn't feel right, it doesn't fit in w/ my understanding of the Work, but I'm not sure I can bend with the blows anymore, I think I've found my limit. Desperately, fraternally, Leon _______________________________________ Leon, You are in the midst of a "problem". Something that won't "go-away". Something which is demanding your "attention", and which is saying to you "transmute or perish." Well, lucky you! You're being furnished with a tremendous amount of fuel for accelerating your evolution. What an opportunity! When facing a devil of a problem, one can choose: 1. To face the problem squarely and bring to the problem all of one's faculties such as humor, enthusiasm, awareness, memory, imagination, reason, intuition, discernment, will, courage, etc... This also includes "doing by NOT doing", thus overcoming our "attachment to results" is key to this method. 2. To run away and seek escape. Escape can be sought in any number of ways, including physical flight, denial, self-medication, addiction, or by entering into a fantasy world of one's own creation. 3. To give in to it. Either to give in to despair or to give in to one's darker side - the shadowy & untamed aspects of one's own personality. These three responses are shown symbolically in Tarot key 15 (The Devil). On the surface of it, this key shows an ugly and frightful figure. A figure which many would rather not look at (deny & escape). On this key we can see two bestialized human figures who appear to be comfortably bound to the Devil's half-cube (giving in and joining). However, if one looks closely, one can also see that the "Devil" shown in the picture (when seen in the light of reason), is a ridiculous and impossible creature - an assemblage of various things put together. To see the Devil for who he/she/it truly is, however, requires us to LOOK and apply all of our faculties. The hardest part may be to keep your responses in check just long enough to keep the window of observation open so you can LOOK. LOOK at her, but more importantly LOOK at the currents of the Sun and the Moon within yourself. (sun=thoughts, moon=emotions) Your pain may be your "Attachments" being set afire. All the better to see them, so that one may truly transmute them. OK. So let's say that one is able to see the other and also their own stuff. At this point, nothing more may need be done. But it is also possible that some action may need to be taken. What place does looking and observing without judgment have in the possibly necessary taking of action? In terms of what to do, I can offer only this: "Transmutation, not presumptuous denial is the weapon of the Master" (The Kybalion) In other words: 1. Do not deny: 2. Transmute: 2.1 Burn your Copper 2.2 Turn it White 3. Do what you Want to do: 3.1 Turn it again to redness 3.2 Make Visible Coin. RL
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